"Election Day" is the ninth episode of the first season of The Bunkest.
A meteor somehow kills everyone in the line of succession for the presidency, so the people in the Bunkest all decide to run for president.
(Pans over Desert City)
Moon Snail: America. The land of freedom. We pride ourselves on freedom so much, in fact, that we let five people decide how billions across the world can use the internet. I bring this land up now because the latest elections are beginning at last. We'll get to see who's about to run for president this next four years. Or will we?
Narrator: You bastard! You stole my job!
Moon Snail: (Snickers)
Jasmine: Quick, everybody! The presidential debate is coming on!
(Everyone gathers around the TV to watch the debate.)
Narrator: Presidential Debate twenty-humuminuh featuring Charles Darblin
(The words PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE appear on screen alongside the name of the year, which begins with 20 clearly, but ends with two abstract symbols that only kind of look like numbers.)
Charles Darblin: Hello, I am Charles Darblin of The News Channel! It is an exciting day for America, as we see our two choices for president go toe-to-toe in the debate of the year! On the right, we have our democratic candidate, Democratic Candidate!
(Show Democratic Candidate standing behind a podium on the right side of the stage.)
Charles Darblin: And on the far-right, we have our republican candidate, Republican Candidate!
(Show Republican Candidate at another podium, even farther right on the stage than Democratic Candidate.)
Charles Darblin: Question One: Mr. Republican Candidate, you have been cited to say you want to "make chairs out of the bones of immigrants." Do you stand by this position?
Republican Candidate: What do you mean? I never said that. You lie! Fake news!
Charles Darblin: But we have video footage of you saying that at a rally right here.
Republican Candidate: (on video) Hi, I am Republican Candidate, and we should make chairs out of the bones of immigrants.
(Charles Darblin and Republican Candidate exchange glares for a second.)
Charles Darblin: I'll just move onto Democratic Candidate's stance on the issue. Mr. Democratic Candidate, what do you have to say about this?
Democratic Candidate: Well, if you know one thing about me, it's that I don't think we should make chairs out of the bones of immigrants. It singles out the Hispanic population, and is most certainly racist. I am one for equal opportunity, and I believe that when we are making chairs, we should be willing to use everyone's bones.
Charles Darblin: That is a very progressive stance, Mr. Democratic Candidate, thank you. Onto question 2: gun control has been a hot topic as of late, especially after our three-hundred forty-seventh (phone buzzes, Charles Darblin looks at it briefly) three-hundred forty-eighth mass shooting this year. The American people are calling for a solution here. Republican Candidate, where do you stand on the issue?
Republican Candidate: Oh, that's easy. We give everyone eighty-four guns, that way everyone has a gun in the case of a mass shooting, and everyone can shoot the person with a gun. Then we give the guns guns, that way the guns can shoot the shooter if the shooter is using a gun irresponsibly.
Charles Darblin: Okay, but if everyone has a gun, then how will we know which person with a gun to shoot?
Republican Candidate: The bad one.
Charles Darblin: Alright, and Democratic Candidate? Your stance on the issue?
Democratic Candidate: Well, you see, it's a really rough issue, and I don't know if we're prepared to approach it yet, you know? Maybe we could take away the biggest guns that kill a lot of people?
Republican Candidate: No. No taking away guns. Democratic Candidate hates your freedom. I love freedom. I am a good man.
Democratic Candidate: The point is, I think that we can't take action until we're able to compromise, that way everyone wins.
Charles Darblin: Yes, about that, I'm just getting reports from the victims of the three-hundred forty-ninth shooting this year who are saying you are "spineless" and are asking you to "do anything, please, we're suffering and want the pain to stop."
Democratic Candidate: Well, they should be calling me spineless! I had that removed two years ago! (Pulls spine from seemingly nowhere) See?
(Show the Bunkmates watching TV in the Bunkest.)
Jasmine: What a rip-off! I finally am able to vote, and I have to choose between one of these fools?
Ace: Well, to be fair, Democratic Candidate does seem like the better choice. He doesn't want to make chairs out of the bones of immigrants.
Jasmine: I agree, but I wish sometime we didn't have to choose between "guy who is going to kill you" and "guy who won't kill you, but do nothing to stop the guy who plans to when he wins in the next election cycle." Why, I bet I could make a better president than any of those slouches.
Ace: Same here, how do we keep letting politics be like this?
Moch: I second that.
BJ: So do I.
(Suddenly the TV flashes red)
Charles Darblin: BREAKING NEWS! A meteor has struck the debate site! Usually this wouldn't be a big deal, usually the line of succession would move on, but it turns out everyone in the line, and every member of congress and all that was at the debate site!
Lady Reporter: How unfortunate! Who will be the president now?
Charles Darblin: Well, it says here that whenever everyone in the line of succession dies, the nation goes into (deep voice) SUPER PRESIDENTIAL DEATH MATCH MODE. (regular voice) When in this state, anyone and everyone can run for president with no limitations!
Lady Reporter: What if they're younger than 35? Or born outside the United States?
Charles Darblin: Nope! None of that matters! Not in (deep voice) SUPER PRESIDENTIAL DEATH MATCH MODE. (regular voice) Citizens of America, prepare your campaigns, like I am doing right now, because all of you have a chance to be the next president! The twenty-heminumuh election cycle starts now! (shoots gun into air)
Person above set: Ow! My pancreas!
(Cut back to the Bunkest with everyone watching the TV)
Jasmine: ...Of course I think I'd make a better president than all of you too! (runs back to room)
Tornadospeed: Not if I can win first!
(everyone rushes back to their room to get to campaigning)
(Cuts to Pixel running into their room and down the second floor of it, grabbing the video camera and filming supplies)
Fink: ...And tell me why you have the film supplies?
Pixel: Look. Everybody here is running for president because all the people already running for the title were hit by a meteor. I'm quite sure we're all having a competition on who should run.
Shannon: Get to the point, Pixel.
Pixel: We should make a video telling everyone why to vote for me.
(Cut to outside of the Bunkest)
(Pixel is being recorded. The camera is shaky.)
Pixel: Hi, I'm Pixel. I'm planning to run for the president, and here's why you should vote for me!
Pixel: I'm responsible, respectable and (voice echos loudly) radical.
(Cuts to words on a blue background. The words are all black and in the Arial font.)
Pixel (off screen): RESPONSIBLE - I always complete tasks on time.
Shannon (off screen): We all know that's not true.
Pixel (off screen): RESPECTABLE - I'm a good influence on society and... that's about it.
Fink (off screen): By "good influence" do you mean that time you almost got arrested for bungee jumping off the roof of the local car wash?
Pixel (off screen): And RADICAL - Do I even need to explain?
(Cut to Pixel's room, where the video camera is just casually on the floor. Pixel takes a few steps back.)
Pixel: So, what are 'ya waiting for? Vote for Pixel!
(Pixel and their roommates cheer, and it freeze frames as the chorus of "As If It's Your Last" by BLACKPINK plays as the credits roll.)
(Zooms out on a projector, and cuts to Pixel and their roommates watching the video.)
Pixel: Yeah, definitely not our best work.
Fink: That was the worst thing I have ever seen.
(Cuts to Ace running into their room and yelling)
Ace: BOB! Did you see the news?!
Bob: The news that all the people who run our country were just tragically killed by a meteor? That hundreds of lives were lost?
Ace: They were politicians Bob, it wasn't that big of a loss.
Bob: Yeah that's true. So what about it?
Ace: WE GOTTA RUN FOR OFFICE!
Bob: Ehhh, you can.
Ace: But I want you as my second hand man.
Bob: Right hand man. And no, I am not being your VP.
Ace: But why?? It's like the easiest job in the world.
Bob: They don't do shit. Name one VP who did something worthwhile. (Ace starts to speak but Bob cuts them off) Memes don't count.
Ace: But the Joe Biden memes were great!
Bob: Indeed they were, but I'm not sure if they really helped Joe get the VP position. Besides, they never did anything that really changed anything.
(Ace thinks for a second and gets an idea)
Ace: Bob, if you're my VP...Then you can do something worthwhile! You can change the way people think of vice presidents forever!
Ace: ...You can have all the angel food cake in the world.
Bob: I'M IN!
(cuts to Pixel's room)
Pixel: I don't care how awful it is, we should show this to the other bunkmates and show them what a real campaign looks like.
Fink: But what i-
Pixel: And we need to start a hashtag and wait for it to invade every social media website known to man. #VoteForPixel!
Fink: #VoteForTheWackyLesbian makes more sense to me.
Pixel: Fink, this is a campaign, not a shitpost.
(Suddenly, both are startled as they are interrupted by a bullhorn.)
Jasmine: ATTENTION PIXEL AND FINK! Are you here to help the cause? I'm running the Wright-Wright for President twenty-heminaneminah cause and I need your support! (points at Pixel)
Pixel: I was going to start a campaign of my own, actually.
Jasmine: Oh come on! It's for a good cause!
Fink: What would that be?
Jasmine: Making a better world to live in! The Wright way! We're gonna liberate Hawaii! Throw it into the ocean, shout "you're free!" We're gonna tear down that wall - nay, every wall! Walls will be illegal! No longer, shall the upper class try to capitalize on joy and laughter, and every Wednesday, there will be free spaghetti for all! Some might say I'm dreaming a little too big, but I say you need to dream big to make the ideal world. What do you say?
Pixel: Isn't Hawaii already in the ocean?
Jasmine: Oh good! That means it's working! See you on the campaign trail! (walks away)
Pixel: (turns over to Fink) To be honest, I'm not sure if I agree with the spaghetti thing.
Fink: What? You don't like spaghetti?
(Cut to TS in his room, hunched over a cluttered desk)
Tornadospeed: Alright, I've worked diligently for hours on this list of campaign promises. Let's see how it's turning out so far.
(TS picks up a sheet of paper. We see that the paper has only one item on it: "Make Minecraft real")
Tornadospeed: This isn't much of a campaign. I'm clearly too incompetent to do this on my own. I need help.
(TS picks up his phone and selects one of his contacts)
Tornadospeed: NC, my dude, how's your campaign going?
NintendoChamp: (over the phone) Oh, I haven't even started, haha.
Tornadospeed: Listen, it's time for a change in this country. It's clear now that one president isn't enough. We need..... TWO presidents.
NintendoChamp: (otp) Holy shit, dude.
Tornadospeed: That's right. It's time for #NCandTSforPresident2KXX.
NintendoChamp: (otp) I'll be right over. (hangs up)
(Pixel zooms in, riding on a skateboard and wearing sunglasses.)
Pixel: Sorry, I think you mean #PixelAndFinkForPresident2KXX, Tornadospeed.
Tornadospeed: No, Pixel. I think I meant what I said.
Moon Snail: Nice try! Neither of you will beat me! #MoonSnailForPresident20XX is gonna rise supreme! Who needs two presidents when you've got one that's as effective as 7 left-wing presidents!?
Pixel: You never even stated your campaign.
Moon Snail: Oh. Well... You'll see! (Runs away while cackling)
Pixel: You just keep believing that then. Fink and I will absolutely annihilate you two in the election. Smell ya' later! (skateboards away, laughing)
(Ace does a crappy Windows slideshow effect as their entrance...somehow. Bob does a different effect as his entrance.)
Tornadospeed: Holy shit. Is that in the budget?
Ace: Nah that's just something I can do. Bob had to pay for his though.
Bob: It took only 50 bucks of our campaign budget but it was completely worth it.
Ace: Anyway, you can forget about your campaign as well as everyone elses because Bob and I got this! #AcE&BoB4Prez2KXX!!!
Bob: That's obxniously long.
Ace: And #BobAngelFoodCake4Days wasn't?
Bob: It sends a clear message to the people!
Ace: (looks at TS) Anyway, we'll see you on the battlefield!
Bob: Debate floor.
Ace: Same thing!
(Ace does another effect as their exit. Bob tries to do another one too but it doesnt work, so he walks out the door muttering about the budget)
Tornadospeed: ....Okay. Anywho-
(Jasmine clumsily arrives on roller skates)
Jasmine: You better watch out, Tornadospeed, I already have thirty-one supporters for my cause on the internet.
Tornadospeed: Only thirty-one?
Jasmine: Nah, you see, since so many people are running for president, chances are the person with a plurality of like, a couple dozen votes can take the nation. I think they all believe I'm a joke candidate or something, and question what'll happen provided I do win, but now that I have a loyal base, it's on to step two of my plans.
Tornadospeed: What's step two, if I may ask?
Jasmine: Becoming a legitimate politician! Once my base is loyal enough, I can finally undo all the damages this nation has faced for the past (does calculations in head) 300 or so years. But I'm saving that for the Thunderdome.
Tornadospeed: You mean the debate floor?
Jasmine: Nah, in (same voice from earlier) SUPER PRESIDENTIAL DEATH MATCH MODE, (regular voice) we hold debates at the Thunderdome instead. It can hold many more bickering candidates. Seeya there tonight!
(Rollerskates away, but trips over rollerlaces)
Jasmine: (offscreen) Ow, my pancreas.
Tornadospeed: (holding walkie-talkie) NC, the situation is more dire than I thought.
NintendoChamp: I'd say. Why are you using the walkie-talkie instead of a cellphone?
Tornadospeed: Nevermind that, everyone else in the Bunkest is trying to run for president. Pixel has skateboards, Moon Snail claims to be as effective as seven left-wing presidents, Jasmine has enough supporters for what she claims is a plurality and apparently legitimate political views, and Ace has... PowerPoint transitions. But in real life.
NintendoChamp: Wait, who's Pixel?
Tornadospeed: Nevermind, the point is, we need our campaign and fast.
NintendoChamp: Right. I'll get over there as quick as I can.
(NC walks into TS's room)
NintendoChamp: Okay, I have an idea that will blow our competition completely out of the race.
Tornadospeed: Nice, lemme hear it!
NintendoChamp: We're gonna make Minecraft real.
Tornadospeed: I already thought of that.
NintendoChamp: Oh. It's a good idea, though.
(A giant TV screen drops into the Bunkest, near Tornadospeed and NintendoChamp.)
(Jasmine walks back in)
Jasmine: What was that!?
(The TV turns on, showing Moon Snail's ugly face on it)
Moon Snail: Greetings, citizens of America! I bet many of you were eager to hear my campaign! Well, I'll start off by destroying all of Alabama and Missisippi and turning them into all new, less terrible states!
Madi: (Walks into the scene) Has this guy completely lost his mind!?!?
Moon Snail: Not only that, but I'll be using the tax money to help those in need!
Jasmine: Oh, that sounds super nice!
Madi: Are we ignoring the fact that this freak wants to kill millions just because he dislikes two states!?
Moon Snail: "But Zangoose man! How will this benefit me!?" you richies may ask! Well, no worries, cuz if you're having unbearable student loans, no worries! College will now be absolutely FREE! That's all for now! Now for a word from the future Vice President!
(Moon Snail walks off-screen, as Crazy Dave walks to the podium)
Crazy Dave: Tacos for everyone! Why am I giving these things away when I so much want to eat them? CUZ I'M CRAAAAAZY!
(Crazy Dave's saucepan flies into the screen and creates static, implying the destruction of the camera.)
Jasmine: If that's the campaign he's running, I might have a problem on my hands!
Madi: And a problem on all our hands too, since he wants to DECIMATE TWO ENTIRE STATES!
(Ace and Bob run into the room)
Bob: Wait, did MS say he's gonna destroy Alabama and Mississippi?! That's horrible!
Ace: Yeah! He stole my idea. Sorta. I wanted to destroy Delaware and Vermont to save taxpayer money and free up some room for Disneyworld...2.
Bob: But we live in Vermont?
Ace: No we dont, we live in Arizona remember?
Madi: Stop it!!
NintendoChamp: Listen guys, TS and I need to get our campaign together. Can you guys get out of his room now?
(People start to leave)
Jasmine: Plan all you want, you know you'll never defeat me. See ya tonight! (leaves)
(Everyone is gone now)
Tornadospeed: The Thunderdome debate is tonight. We have to work fast.
NintendoChamp: Right. Listen, if we want to win, we need to appeal to the most powerful demographic in the country.
Tornadospeed: Minecraft YouTubers?
NintendoChamp: Yes- I mean no. It's My Chemical Romance fans.
Tornadospeed: You're absolutely right. So what do you propose we do?
(Cut to Pixel and their campaign progress)
Pixel: Alright, Fink, we need to double-check before we head to the Thunderdome tonight. Campaign ad?
Fink: (holding up video camera) Check.
Fink: (holding Pixel-Fink merch) Check.
Fink: Why Twizzlers?
Pixel: Because Twizzlers are God's gift to the human race!
Fink: I thought we agreed Boss' coat is God's gift to the human race, but whatever. Check.
(Move to Moon Snail, Flametail, and Crazy Dave)
Flametail: I think there might be a small problem with our campaign.
Moon Snail: What is it?
Flametail: Well, if we're eviscerating Alabama and Mississippi, what are we going to replace them with?
Moon Snail: Well Ace suggested Disneyworld 2, but I think I can move a step further. Prepare yourselves for... Disneyland 3! (Rolls out map of Disneyland 3)
Flametail: Impressive. (beat) But what happened to Disneyland 2?
Moon Snail: We don't talk about Disneyland 2.
(Move to Bob working with Ace's campaign, when Ace bursts through the door)
Ace: Bob! We have a problem!
Bob: What is it?
Ace: It turns out we only had forty-nine dollars and fifty-one cents in our bank account. That PowerPoint transition costed us some serious dough.
Bob: Well what are we supposed to do about it?
Ace: We're going to have to sell the angel cakes on eBay...
Bob: We gotta drop out.
Ace: It's too late! We've already got a podium at the Thunderdome tonight!
Bob: Well how are we supposed to get there?
Ace: We spent fifty bucks on PowerPoint transitions. You know how.
(Move to Jasmine, holding a rally in Bunker Desert City, USA)
Jasmine: Residents of America United, tonight is the night we take a stand for a better America, or perhaps a better world! No man shall suffer as we fund our education, healthcare, and science to heights we've never seen before!
Prof. Wright: Especially that third one!
Jasmine: We shall move our nation to end the poverty that strikes so many, put an end to irrational gun violence, and to the best of our ability, restore peace that has been so rightfully disrupted over our history. It will be no easy task, but together, we can do this! People! Tell your friends, particularly those in California. That's fifty-five electoral votes.
Jasmine Supporter: Will there still be free spaghetti on Wednesdays?
Jasmine: Oh, you bet. All the free spaghetti you can imagine. But that's not all, I got a couple more policies up my sleeve, but I'm going to save those for...
(Cut to news program)
Charles Darblin: The Thunderdome! The ultimate test of political courage! In the Thunderdome, all is fair game. Blood will be shed, and so will tears, as we all fight to see who will become president of the United States!
Lady Reporter: Mr. Darblin, could you explain the rules of the Thunderdome?
Charles Darblin: Most certainly! The Thunderdome is a PvP enabled area. Everyone goes inside, and one person will walk out holding the Oval Office. Others might walk out without it, but it depends on how much blood is being shed. Everyone will state their political beliefs, whatever those may be, and then we leave it to the American people and electoral college to select our new president.
Lady Reporter: Isn't using the electoral college a little unfair? I mean, if a person gets a dozen votes in California, they may as well hold the nation.
Charles Darblin: Yes, but it was still in place when the meteor struck, and there's no government to get rid of it.
Lady Reporter: Ahhh.
Charles Darblin: America is weird. Anyway! Only a few hours remain before the big match between our candidates begin! Millions from across America will collide in (deep voice) SUPER PRESIDENTIAL DEATH MATCH MODE!
Lady Reporter: But first, here's a message from our sponsers!
Charles Darblin: Okay, ARE YOU ALL READY!!!!????
Lady Reporter: Our first contestant is Moon Snail. He's a Zangoose who seeks to destroy Alabama and Mississippi and replace them with Disneyland 3! He also hopes to use tax money to help the poor, endangered animals, and college students! A bit of good with a bit of bad!
Charles Darblin: What!? Helping those in need isn't bad! Anyway, up next is Jasmine! Starting her campaign with promises to throw Hawaii in the ocean to free it and tearing down every wall in the nation, she has shifted to a campaign of wealth redistribution to assist the poor, alongside education and healthcare reform, increased wages, and new welfare programs to assist the needy. She also promises free spaghetti on Wednesdays.
Lady Reporter: Lots of that sounds fine, but the spaghetti is the real hook here.
Charles Darblin: I have to agree. Now, next is Pixel and... a green baby rat.
Pixel: Her name is Fink!
Charles Darblin: Oh, sorry. Pixel and Fink, two close comrades who are using licorise sticks, skateboards and low-budget video presentations as a part of their campaign. Rumor has it Pixel is planning to install a school rule that states all schools are required by law to let the students have a Kahoot day every Friday. We're sure Fink's blindly going along with all of it.
Lady Reporter: We'll have to see. Next up, we have two people running for president together! Is that allowed?
Charles Darblin: Of course! Anything goes in (same deep voice) SUPER PRESIDENTIAL DEATH MATCH MODE!
Lady Reporter: Of course. These two are NintendoChamp89 and Tornadospeed! They promise to... Charles, what is it they promise to do?
Charles Darblin: Uhhhh... (peering at a sheet of paper) it appears they want to "make Minecraft real".
Lady Reporter: An odd promise, but we'll roll with it.
Pixel: Fink and I are running for Prez together too!
Lady Reporter: (looks back to Pixel) Alright then. (looks back at Charles) Looks like we have two groups of people running as a team! Who's up next?
Charles Darblin: Next up are Ace and Bob- a 17 year old and an actual stick figure!- who are running together with loads of angel food cake and powerpoint transistions! Their campaign, which involves reforming government programs and whatnot, holds promise, but their adamant "down with cis" attitude may turn off some- (Ace starts talking in the live feed)
Ace: yeah uhhhhh those voters can go fu- (The live feed cuts them off and switches to someone else)
Lady Reporter: Oh, those kids haha! I like their spunk.
(Cut to Ace and Bob in the thunderdome)
Bob: (to Ace) They'll be changing their tune once we win.
(back to tv)
Charles Darblin: And those are our contestants, ladies, gentlemen and everyone in-between! It's time for the moment you've been waiting for! (Inhales) THE SUPER PRESIDENTAL DEATH MATCH IN THE THUNDERDOOOOOOOOOOO- (Faints)